Friday, November 05, 2010
Diary of the wife of a man on Diazepam (sort of)
I'm not ready to share the whole detail of my diary on tinterweb. I'm proud of Andy for sharing what he's going through, I'm just sad that he can't talk about it as it's happening.
I'm in a lonely place. I feel like I've lost my best friend. He's still here, but I can't tell him the drivel going through my mind or go out and get plastered with him. I'm worried about him, I'm worried what it's doing to us, I'm worried he's going to stay like this. I don't understand why everything's getting to him now. I'm not talking to him about how worried I am as I don't want to make him more anxious. Now I'm worried that sharing this much on here will give him more to worry about!
If anyone can point me to some good sources of information so that I can try and understand and help I'd be very grateful. I've never suffered any ill mental health myself and I'm not a tolerant or patient person. I grew up in a culture of "just pull yourself together, you can do it" type encouragement and it worked for me, so I struggle to understand what Andy is going through and what other friends have too.
Please tell me what to read so that I can try and understand (but make it quite short as I don't have a great attention span!!)
Oh it's 3am I might as well get up...
Wednesday, November 03, 2010
Chicken Oriental...
Hey hey hey it's been a while but I just thought I'd share what shit has been going on in my head. You never know Donna might even pop along and reveal her diary of living with a man on diazepam...
21/10/2010 - Diary of a man on diazepam
Nearly cried at the radio because somebody annoyed me so much about family allowance. Went home and took another tablet and slept for a couple of hours.
Bad nights sleep even though I took a tablet just before sleep. Thinking about dickie but the funeral is getting closer.
Told Donna when she got up and cried.
Enjoyed just siting in a cafe with a book I'd just bought. Wondered if my grandad was in it.
22/10/2010 - Funeral day.
Last night I took a diazepam and a sleeping tablet to get me through. It did the trick and I only woke up just before the alarm at 6,38
Went to make a cuppa and cried. Looked at Facebook and cried. Had a shave and cried. Think I need a diazepam with my cup of tea.
Got through the day with my chemical help. His parents told us they had no idea he was so popular. They were amazed at the turn out. When at home he would stay in bed and told them nobody liked him. At work he was well loved as it shows in the book and the collection.
A very sad day but a lot a truth came out with the alcohol. I now need to think do I want to change shift or not. If I do I can start again if not I carry on with some of what put me in this mental state in the first place.
23/10/2010
Saturday morning. Taken a tablet before even getting up. Today is the first day that most of us feel will be day one of getting over dickie.
Going to do my best to stay calm with whatever the boys do.
24/10/2010
Awake at 6am I had a tablet at bedtime, that chills me right out for sleeping. When I woke I started thinking about dropping the tablets down to just one at night. I'm so tense now, my stomach is in knots. I don't want to get angry or upset. Yesterday on a very long walk with my dog I got tearful about the lyrics of a song about a man and woman. It had nothing to do with the relationship we all had with Dickie.
I'm struggling with the fact that he could have been so unhappy inside and we were all too wrapped up with ourselves to know.
25/10/2010
Another morning awake at 6am. This time I'm worrying about my allotment. That's another bit of stress I need to get out of my life. I used to enjoy it now I think of it as a chore.
Last night before bed I started to get angry over nothing. The tv was too loud. The boys were still up (they haven't. Got any school this week.) I took a tablet .
I watched an advert about "kalms" and wondered if they would help when the diazepam runs out.
It is nice not having any anger or stress. I might be spaced out part of the time but it beats getting pissed off with the world.
I hardly even think about sex at the moment. Now THAT is worrying!
26/10/2010
6 o clock again. Am I now worrying that Donna won't get up in time? I think I might have to take a chill pill soon. Ive got loads going on, does Ben need ice blocks for his non working fridge. How are my items doing on. eBay. Should I clean that Victorian photograph of men with moustaches or leave it to an expert? All this shit should just take a moment out of my life, not leave me tense and screwed up inside.
My dog is loving me being off work for all the long walks where I just go for a wander. Woodbridge today I think.
26/10/2010 (later)
Morecroft debt recovery limited. Those wankers know they've been dealing with payplan for 6 years now they threaten court. I've had a tablet an hour ago but im shaking. I told them about my medication and if they continue harassing me I'll just go bankrupt .
Do they know I'm at my lowest and thought right let's kick him while he's down?
I thought things were on the up.
27/10/2010
Today I am not going to let it get to me the fact that I couldn't put a photo onto a forum. Ive just closed it and walked away.
I had made plans with Ben for him to take me up to southport in his truck. I know the haulage trade and know you can't make any plans, this didn't stop me breaking down when he rang to Say his delivery had changed. I then got it into my head that I was going to hitch hike to southport. I hadn't thought it through but got changed put my boots on and got Donna to drop me at Copdock. I shouldn't of walked away when I upset my wife but all I could think was southport . During the hour I stood with my thumb out I came to my senses and called to say I was coming home.
I think some people are worried that I'm going to harm myself in some way but that couldn't be further away in my mind. I want to continue having the wonderful life I had before I gave in to this stress. I've got the most supportive wife anyone could hope for.
Donna suggested today that the death of Dickie could’ve unlocked the guilt about leaving my kids, that has always been there but I might of just been keeping a lid on it.
28/10/2010
Today is going to be a better day! As normal now I was awake at 5.37 I couldn't get back to sleep, the biggest thing going through my head at that time was should I start taking a sleeping tablet instead of my diazepam at night but last week I took both and still woke around 6.30
I hope that seeing my kids at the weekend is going to make me feel a lot better, either that or somebody will end up saying something nasty again and send me off on one. I will be carrying my tablets very close at the weekend. I've already decided that Friday afternoon traffic on the m6 isn't even going to get to me!
I couldn't do want I wanted to do today, I was exhausted I had to have a sleep on the sofa.
My dog is coming to southport with us because Donna thought having someone else looking after her would be more stressful than having her with us.
29/10/2010
Brilliant, 2,30am and wide awake. I cant think why I'm awake i took a happy pill at bedtime to see me through the night, I'm not lying here thinking I've got this and that to do I'm just lying here!
Think I'll go and get a brew,
I don't remember most of the journey to Southport I was so tired.
It was lovely to see half of my children, even Sophie who hasn't talked since September.
30/10/2010
I want sure about taking a Tablet at bedtime because I was so tired. I took it and think it helped me sleep through the. Night either that or being relaxed from seeing my kids after so long, having my wife and dog with me also helped.
I've just come in from a walk round the park across the road from my daughters flat , nothing couldve been better sun shining crisp autumnal morning a few squirrels to chase and Frank Sinatra on the iPod. I think the tablet was still kicking in!
31/10/2010
Sunday evening. Today I've tried to go without a tablet. We have just got in from seeing my kids. I didn't take one in case Donna needed a hand driving back after a tiring weekend. I drove for a while and all the other drivers got to me straight away, the middle lane drivers, people not indicating etc I was so screwed up straight away.
I've been close to tears a few times today. I think that is mostly to do with having a lovely weekend. I feel stupid because I even got emotional about a song on x factor!
I am going to have a tablet at bedtime to hopefully get a good nights sleep and not spend hours thinking about my appointment ..
Just to bring you up to date a little I've changed the drugs and I'm now taking an anti depressant. I'll post about that in a few days...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Today is brought to you by the letter B ...
We started off with The Beach Boys, and then went on to The Beatles (x4). I began to wonder ... are we playing alphabetically? Next was Barry White. Still in the Bs but not alphabetically correct, on to Big Star then Belle & Sebastian. I have to say many of my favourites are by artists beginning with B so I was thinking that a higher power was making my day shiney.
I arrived at work and investigated. Some time ago, I started a favourites list. I'd only got as far as B, so there wasn't a greater power at work after all.
I might start a new favourites list of artists beginning with C tomorrow. Carpenters?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Bluebottle
You don't half get some big ugly flies in London. I can't get rid of this one...
So anyway having fun argueing with people about industrial action and getting tattooed, thats what life has been throwing at me in last few days. I've got three more sessions booked with Mirek Vel Stotker over the next few months then I'll have two sleeved arms.
I can't remember when I blogged lat but we had a lovely few days with Sam and El Freako when they visited. Nobody reminded us that it was his birthday the day after he left. Honest we'd of baked you a cake... I know you wouldn't of been able to eat it because of a, you don't eat between the hours of.... b, there would of been an ingredient that you can't eat. c, I'd love to but.... d, you're a freak!
Dita is with her boyfriend again. She's just teasing him. Soon as he thinks she's giving off the right signals she growls at him and he backs off. I think if she doesn't get pregnant this time that'll be the end of our breeding program and she'll have to go out to work to fund her keep.
We're off to Northwich on Sunday night for a fund raising event with Myth our tattooist friend. He's off to some mountain in a far off land somewhere and he wants us to pay for him to do it.... We're only going to see if we've won a day of tattooing with Bez!
Right pasta bake ready in fridge and boys need picking up from school before I leave them home alone and slink off to the pub.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Evil veggies...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Dig Forest dig...
For the first time in ages I went down t'lottie yesterday. Well I had been down to collect my seed spuds but hadn't stayed on Wednesday. I had seen how much work I need to do with most of the plot covered with a layer or weed.
After an hour or so I was made up with my efforts. I hardly stopped in the time I was there. No sitting down for a coffee and a smoke. Amazing what a difference a couple of weeks without smoking makes on your fitness.
Other news... Kim and Barry came back for a few days so we spent Friday evening with them in The Dove. Donna and Barry didn't fall out!
Saturday evening it was time to go back to The Dove for Dom's 40th birthday party. We had a really good time with some fun friends. If anyone finds their cameras or phones that were lost last night I might get to see the photos.
I think today is a day of chillin before Donna starts her new job tomorrow, I've already had a good walk round Christchurch park with the little doggie and Donna has been to fat fighters...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
it's not Donna it's from me Crash... She's obsessed with facebook and won't blog anymore...
I got the lurgy from my good lady at the end of last week. It starts with a very sore throat and headache then gets a little better then comes back and hits you when you're down. I'm in the getting hit when down phase now.
Right so in between the getting hit and sore throat we visited Southport. We left when Donna got home from work and the boys back from school. I was expecting tailbacks everywhere and the trip to take us 8 hours, double our normal journey. It didn't so that was a result. El Freako's car is off the road with some sort of engine management problem but he still wouldn't come out with us. He was left to play Buzz with the boys, PS3 and Wii, we went to the Brick. The bouncers don't like my shoes! Southport is still one of those places that insist on lads/men wearing shoes when they go out. No trainers policy rules! Personally I can't see the point of it. If a chavvy scumbag wants a fight then the fact he has a pair of shoes on isn't going to stop him. Neither is the fact that he has his brand new up to the minute in fashion trainers. But it makes the bouncers (sorry door staff or whatever the correct PC term is for the little Hitlers today.) feel like they've saved the world from total wipe out by stopping any ones freedom of expression... Anyhoo I'm off on a little rant so back to the blog... When we got past Adolf we found out that The Scarisbrick was holding a beer festival. What a result. We enjoyed 5 or 6 different dark ales and also picked up the latest copy of "Ale and Hearty" the local Camra mag. On the front cover was a shop now open in Southport called "The Inn beer shop" 270 different beers from around the world... Where were we going to go on Saturday I hear you ask... So back to the Brick and the fact that I always forget until I return how conventional Southport is. We were sat at the bar, it was busy with little space for people to get served. I saw this oldish man heading in our direction, he stood a few feet back took a look at Donna and shook his head. This week Donna has only got a streak of pink in her hair but even that was too much for Southport. Blue rinse is acceptable pink streaks are not. He'd also clocked the tattoo so I'm not sure which one he was shaking his head at tattoo or pink. He then had to touch Donna's tattoo. I've had this done a couple of times by very drunk ladies in the pub and if you're more sober than them you really don't want it but something gives people the right to touch when they've had a pint. If you're wondering it doesn't feel any different to non tattooed skin. So he rambled on for a bit then a few minutes later old drunk slapper comes over. She was telling Donna how great Donna is and how great it is that Donna has the balls to have pink in her hair and blah blah blah... If it's so great go home and wash your minging hair and put some colour in it... But as always we just nod and smile and think I wish he/she would piss off so we can have a nice time with my daughter.
So we get all the gossip and Natty Nu Nu blows us out so we head back to the flat. El Freako has taken himself off to bed( I think he wasn't happy because he didn't win at Buzz) and we organise the beds for us and the boys. It's a bit of a squeeze but Dyl likes sleeping in the kitchen!
When we get organised on Saturday I make everyone go over to the park so I can take some portraits of them on one of my newest old cameras. I'll have to upload the photos when I finish the film and get it developed. We then go to The Swan chippy for dinner. You can't beat a plate full of fish chips n peas with bread n butter and a cuppa on the side. Better still is that we are t'up North where they're civilised enough to take the skin off the fish so you can eat it all. I always do anyway but I know lots of people that won't. So when we leave some of our party hear comments like "Well that was a different family wasn't it." FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IT'S A BIT OF PINK IN HER HAIR AND I'VE GOT A TRILBY ON... Even the fish fryer must of had the nod because he popped his head out of the kitchen door on our way past.
We had a little mooch around town and I told my daughters that it must be them that people are looking at. Don't tell her but I think it's Sam's roots showing that is getting us noticed... We then pop down to the shop from the front cover of the beer mag. We need one of these closer to home. I'm going to show the article to Adi The Dove landlord and see if I can plant a seed... £18 worse off I go for the car and we chill at Sam n Robzies place for the night.
Sunday Sam has to work and we pack and leave for Tattoo Freeze in Telford. It's the first time this show has been put on. We thought the boys might like it too because not only were there tattoo artists but they had roller derby, BMX, skateboards and custom cars and bikes, along with art shows and a photography competition. All in all a good day but I was feeling shitty again and everybody had work the next day so at 4ish we headed off home.
Have a look at Flickr for our photos of the weekend and I'll put the portraits up soon as I get them back.
